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MAGNETIC - Good Intentions (pt. 5)

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Warning: This chapter contains sensitive material (mentions of sexual themes), but is not lemon. It is only implied, so I haven't put a mature filter.

PART 5 - GOOD INTENTIONS - Erwin x OC

It was a mistake. I knew it then, right then when our lips locked… and I know that now, after all that happened afterwards. However, some mistakes are too tempting to resist, even when you are perfectly aware that they will cost you too much once you are done making them.

I was buttoning my shirt up when his hand stopped me. I felt his breath in my hair.

“Don’t,” I said. “Just… don’t.”

He has pulled me closer to him and held me like that for a few moments. His skin was warm and his arm around my shoulders was strong and comforting. I have missed being this close, and this relaxed with him. Being this intimate. However… I knew it wouldn’t last, so I had to end it. I have risen and put my military jacket on, breathing heavily along the way.

I have faced my reflection in the mirror, and looked at myself with shame.

“Do you want to...” Erwin started forming a question, because he knew this will be an issue. Once again.

“There’s nothing to talk about, Erwin,” I’ve responded, interrupting him somewhat harshly. After realizing how that sounded, I have added more politely: “Nothing at all. I know where we stand.”

My hair was a mess, and I had to braid it again. It took me some time, because my arms were shaking a bit. I felt stupid for doing this again - crossing all those limits that I have put, in order to avoid situations like these… temptations like these. It was partially his fault, yes, but I could have refused him. I should have.

He was mostly silent during the whole procedure, but I felt his stare, glued to my nape. It made me uncomfortable. Shortly after, he has started getting dressed as well.

“To claim to know where we stand at this point… is awfully pretentious of you,” he stated. Was that... anger that I perceived in his tone?

“Pretentious? It’s realistic, Erwin. We’ve been through this before, and the best solution for us is to move past this as soon as we can. You know it as well. You said it multiple times too, so why would this time be any different?” I have crossed my arms on my chest, waiting.

He was growing colder towards me, and I couldn’t blame him the slightest. I have avoided the eye contact, and felt like a coward for it, but I couldn’t face him properly.

“Is it really that simple with you?” he asked.

“Yes. It is,” I lied. I have not hesitated at all.

“Oh, Aurora…” he sighed. He wanted to prolong the conversation, to dig deeper under all the layers, and all the barriers, and all the remorse… but I had neither the patience, nor the strength to go through it. I wasn’t in the mood to relive some painful memories again either.

“I will be in my office if you need me. Please, show yourself out, Commander.”

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

It was easier the next day, but not entirely pleasant to deal with him.

It was always awkward to get back to being professional or amicable with Erwin after something like the last night had happened, but it was a necessity. I got used over time to how things worked between us, so it wasn’t long before I have returned to being just his subordinate, and his friend.

I behaved like nothing has happened, and like it was all just a dream of some sorts. For the record, I wasn’t in denial. Denial requires that you lie to yourself, that you are blind to certain things… and I was fully aware that my behavior was nothing but self-defending, self-preserving mechanism. I had to keep that up if I wanted to keep myself away from being hurt again. Or hurting him instead like I used to. It wasn’t good for either one of us, so it was best to keep it in the past.

Erwin played along. He didn’t want to force anything upon me, not if I wasn’t really prepared to face it. But I knew, deep down, that we would eventually bring it up. Maybe even fight about it. And then solve it in some way. But that way was exactly the thing that made me worried. I wasn’t ready for another refusal. For another wound. I simply wouldn’t be able to take it, and I guess that he knew it too. Hence… he played along. He has spoiled me that way.

I have finished preparations and I have left my room, putting my traveling cloak over my arm. He was already in the hallway, ever so punctual… and tall and handsome per usual.

I knew we shouldn’t have done it. I knew it, for it was a thousand times worse and more difficult to face him now. Or avoid him, or resist him, or being casual with him… or however that brilliant plan of mine was supposed to work. I will have to go with ‘resist’ for the time being. Small steps, one by one. Here we go.

“Commander. For how long have you been waiting there?”

“It isn’t long if it’s for you, Major,” he smiled politely. “But don’t worry, I have only just arrived.”

“I am relieved to hear that.”

He offered his arm. I took it, and we headed downstairs. We were saluted by some soldiers who chose not to attend the event, but most of them were headed towards the Opera house anyway so they were dressed in their best, formal clothes. It was odd, but not in a bad way. Just unusual.

In front of the carriage, while he was helping me to climb onto the seat, Erwin decided that it was safe to compliment me.

“You look… amazing. I mean, I knew you would, I expected it, but still feet the need to say it.”

My hair was tied up in a messy bun. I have left one curvy, thick lock to attempt to cover my scar. (It didn’t really work). I didn’t wear the yellow dress, which was his favorite… and my favorite… I was wearing the red one instead. I did it on purpose, to make it look like I didn’t dress up for him… but men don’t think too much about those things, especially not in that way. To him, a dress was a dress, regardless of color. To me, it had to be something he didn’t really like, but maybe I was wrong.

“Thanks. You don’t look half-bad yourself, Commander.”

I lied. He looked perfect. The suit was custom-tailored to fit him, it was dark-blue, almost black in color… and he had small, light-blue ribbon around the collar of his shirt, which matched the color of his eyes. His muscled figure was delicately showing underneath all those layers of clothing.

“I gave my best, and that’s all I get?” he joked. “I have even put the ribbon and all, just for you.”

“You have to stop being borderline flirty with me, Erwin. I thought you’d respect our agreement.”

“I can’t recall I agreed to anything. But that aside, Major, I am just being polite. I wasn’t aware that my words would affect you so much. Am I also prohibited of being casual around you and advised to be cold and distant instead?” he wanted to know, the corners of his mouth all curved up in a small smile.

“Just be friendly and professional, please. That’s all I’m asking.”

- - - - - - - - - - -

The carriage started moving. During the voyage, I caught myself staring at his handsome face - a few times too. He was looking through the carriage window as the scenery passed us by in a really fast motion. He was in deep thoughts, leaned onto the palm of his hand. The line where his neck met the collar of his suit awfully distracted me, and I wanted to touch it. To touch him. To sit in his lap (as he was sitting so leisurely), and to open up his shirt to reveal those strong muscles. And taste him - his lips, his tongue, just like before.

No. Stop it, right away. You have to.

Before we knew, we were in front of the Opera house and I was reminding / comforting myself that I’ve had everything under control.

“Are you ready, Major Amsel?” he asked, offering his hand to me. I took it, and he helped me to get down from the carriage. Even this small gesture got intense, because it was him. He sensed it too.

“Shall I carry you in?” he offered, but I didn’t find that question amusing - if that was what it initially was supposed to be at all.

“That won’t be necessary, Commander.”

I will never learn, won’t I?

- - - - - - - - - - -

The performance was grand, followed by ovations, just like we anticipated. My mother overdid herself this time, she was really into it. She was singing for about an hour and half, and the program she chose was very much to my liking. What was not… was her invitation for me to join her on the stage.

I have refused, but the people around me started cheering for me to perform, so I was somewhat forced to go up there. I should have seen that was coming, because it wasn’t the first time that she did something like that. Thankfully, my repertoire consisted of a single song in the past four years and it was Flügel der Freiheit, an opera-performance adapted version of it, and soldiers seemed to absolutely adore it.

He loved it too. And like every time… I sang it for him, under the false excuse that it was just a song of the Scouting Legion, for the Scouting Legion regarding my interpretation. But to me, it was more intimate than any other piece I have ever chosen to sing (apart from some really pathetic love ballads that expressed heavy melancholy, lovelorn and pain). But let’s skip the boring parts.

The funds were risen, and we got more money for the North Unit. The thought was comforting, and our stature had also improved with the civilians thanks to all the efforts. Everything seemed to go well.

Well, everything despite the matter with my mother who was trying to arrange yet another marriage for me, with a nobleman of her choosing. That woman was really persistent in seeing me married.

“You would do the same thing if you were in my position,” she insisted after I rejected the second proposal that night, much to her discomfort. “I am an old woman, and you aren’t getting any younger either. I want you to stop being foolish, and stop risking your life.”

“For a hundredth time, mother, I am not risking my life,” I have reminded her. “All I am doing is sitting here in Sina and looking over the archives.”

And spying for Erwin. Let’s not forget the primary function of my sector.

“You are still a soldier, and I can’t stand it anymore. I despise your position, regardless of the title that you are so proud of. Just… retire, Aurora. Settle down. I need you to come back to your life, to start a family. I need grandchildren. All you are really doing in the Legion… is wasting time,” she expressed herself openly, and I have covered my eyes with my hand. I was tired of it all.

But she was nowhere near finishing.

“Why did you refuse Heinrich? He is from a good family, has all the manners and culture, is well educated, wealthy, handsome… and he really likes you. He had expressed his admiration several times during out meetings…”

“I am not interested, mother. Please, understand.”

“You are so stubborn! Why for? Is it because of him? Huh? You are still in love with E…”

“Mother. That’s enough,” I have stopped her from saying the name. But yes. I was.

“God knows I love that boy. I really do,” she sighed… “but I really believe he is going to be the end of you, Aurora.” She seemed sad about it, and I was sorry for causing her pain. But it was my life, not hers. I had to bring my own decisions, and make my own choices, despite how wrong they might be.

“You are being fatalistic now,” I have pointed out. I have smiled to the thought how Erwin is still just “a boy” to her. She was right about saying he’d be the end of me. He is an end to me. And a loose one too. Always.

“May I have this dance?” Heinrich, my freshly acquired admirer, offered his hand and I was about to tell him no… but Erwin, who happened to finish his talk with several soldiers, kept his end of the bargain to keep me away from men like that, and said:

“The lady has promised this one to me.” With that, he took my arm and practically dragged me away from Heinrich. (Who was disappointed, unlike me).

The rest of the party went relatively peacefully, but I had a few drinks and I was somewhat dizzy. I couldn’t really hold my liquor like Corporal Schwarz, who has emptied the bottle of vine all by herself, which didn’t particularly amuse Levi - he was openly nagging her for it.

“Filthy habit for a filthy woman,” I’ve heard Levi say, in that monotonic voice of his which enraged her so. She was fully sober, hence fully fired up to continue the provoked dispute.

“Am I too much for you to handle then, clean-freak? Shall we settle this outside?” Ezra asked, in her standard, loud, and furious tone. The tension was high. Levi calmly unfolded his crossed legs.

“Let’s,” he responded casually, and rose from his seat. She got up too, and the two of them disappeared somewhere. A few of us knew where to, and what for. Really…

“Shall we go, or are you planning to chat with your parents?” Erwin asked me after seeing the two Corporals leave.

“We are going back. I have spoken to both of my parents… and well, father supports mother, though he doesn’t put as much pressure on me as she does. I can’t really deal with them at this point.”

He stroked the back of his head, and made a pause, not knowing what to say. Ultimately…

“Do you want me to talk to them?” he offered.

“And say… what, exactly? ‘Aurora won’t marry and there’s nothing you two can do about it?’ Please. They already know that much.”

He has leaned down, the serious expression of his face adding to the gravity of the moment. He has cornered me, and I had nowhere to escape. I ended up facing him, like he wanted.

“I would tell them that we still have some unfinished business, and that we can’t leave it that way.”

I have stopped breathing. He leaned against the surface of the cold stone, and kept watching me. My heart was pounding loudly, and I gave my all to calm it down, and lower the rhythm. It was too early, and too fast to attempt to revert things back to how they were between us.

“I know you need to talk this through in order to clear the things up between us. But, as I said before… there’s nothing for us to discuss, because nothing has changed for us. You aren’t someone who can emotionally commit – be it to me or to anybody else. You made it clear, and you have never fooled me into believing that this… relationship or however we prefer to call it… would become anything more. You have responsibilities as soldier, as Commander. Your burdens are all too great, too grand to carry. Trust me, I get it. So in all honesty, my expectations haven’t changed in that regard. I don’t expect us to work out as couple, I never have… and that’s why…”

“You can detest me if that’s easier. I know I am a selfish man, and I know that my decisions have repeatedly made you suffer. Most of the time, I have pushed you away, and I have pushed you far from me. All in hope that you will find happiness somewhere else, with somebody more deserving. And when you did…”

“I never did,” I corrected him, “and as unfair, and cruel, and painful as it is to say it about him, it is also the truth. I couldn’t be happy by Mike’s side, although we have both tried to make it work. Major Zacharius and I were never really meant for each other, and somewhere deep down, you knew it too. But luckily, we were able to go back to being comrades and friends and he has fallen for Nanaba afterwards so I don’t feel too guilty about it. But don’t try to justify your inability to commit to me with statement that I found happiness with someone else when you know it wasn’t the truth.”

I have inhaled, gasping for air. I knew we would bring this up eventually. Erwin sighed.

“I found him more deserving of you. I thought he would make you happy in ways that I couldn’t. Hence, I have pushed you away, I have hurt you, I have made you believe that I have fallen for someone else in order to make you forget about us… but all that because I wanted the best for you.”

We’ve been through all of this before. Same words. Same excuses. Same mistakes.

“I know. All that supposed happiness, pawed with good intentions of yours… that happiness that you so proudly claim you have bestowed upon me… no, upon us… it withers away on the very thought of how badly it has started, and how badly it has ended. It affected all of us.”

Erwin has looked away this time, like he was unable to face me.

“I’ve regretted all those decisions afterwards, more than I can express. I regret them all the time. Mending our relationship was a big thing to do, but we have tried and we have managed to become close again. Therefore, I understand how hard it must be… when I act selfishly, and challenge you to be more than just a friend, or a comrade to me. But what happened yesterday…”

“…was a mistake,” I offered bluntly.

“Not to me,” he uttered. “But if you feel that way, I apologize for taking the initiative. I promise I will never do that again, but only if you say that it meant nothing and that you truly feel bad about it now. I will never bother you again, despite my personal feelings or desires. If you say that we are over, we will really be… but whatever you decide, I will respect it, and it will be final.”

And I knew that he meant it this time.
Again, don't ask. xD I do like tall, blond men, Aurora gets that from me :P xD 

The narrator is: Major Aurora Amsel :) 

Part 1: Those Memories
Part 2: The Challenge
Part 3: The Strange Boy
Part 4: Echoes Of Our Past
Part 5: You are here
Part 6: Primary Concern

Erwin Smith and 'Shingeki no Kyojin' belong to Hajime Isayama. 
Aurora and this story belong to me :)

The cover picture was found here: lh3.googleusercontent.com/-q03…

YOU MAY NOT REPRODUCE/REWRITE/REPOST this story ANYWHERE without my WRITTEN PERMISSION. Also, I know there are many grammar mistakes, and wrong expressions, but it's my work and I, and only I keep the right to change it, should I see that fit.
© 2016 - 2024 galateabellator
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flowerpower71's avatar
Oh for cripes sake just kiss and make it official already! I WANT THIS SHIP TO SAIL DAMMIT!!! :XD:


Wonderfully written chapter as always. So much emotions!