LANCE CORPORAL - All Options (pt. 10)

WARNING! This chapter includes some strong language. But, not much

PART 10 - ALL OPTIONS - Levi x OC

The supreme Commander Erwin Smith told us all to get a good night sleep and gather necessary strength for tomorrow’s battle, but I doubt he really expected soldiers to follow that advice. Despite being a veteran soldier, I could never have a good night sleep if I had an important mission to fulfill the next day. There were people in my squad who couldn't sleep well either, so we had our ways to prepare for battles.

We always did something different to help us pass the time. Those who could sleep, were sent to their rooms to rest (in small building we owned, and where we resided for the most of our time). The remaining soldiers, who suffered insomnia like me or simply were anxious and nervous, usually gathered in front of a huge fireplace. That was our favorite place for meetings. It was nice, warm, and for many of us who didn't have families, it seemed like home.

Sometimes, we only had small talks. Big words could ruin the atmosphere. We usually talked about something trivial… for example, about weather. Also, we recalled our fights, training sessions, recent missions, stuff like that. We would often compare our models of 3D maneuver gears -  whose blades were sharper, whose wires seemed stronger, which mechanisms looked newer, who was lucky enough to get a brand new equipment, who stuck with an old/ used one etc.

We discussed speed, strength, the usage, maintenance, every single thing about our primal weapons. During those times, we would resupply our gas tanks, sharpen our blades, clean gears, reminding ourselves about courageous squad mates who died in previous missions beyond the walls, glorying them, or about recent conspiracy theories we've heard (mostly, regarding the King himself and the possible changes in the line of succession).

Some nights were… more quiet than others. That’s because some battles were grimmer than others. When we'd run out of small talks, we would sit and wait for the dawn, left with our heavy thoughts. We would nap in our chairs, in all kinds of positions, surrounded by those we cared for, and whom we trusted in. The Western Unit was mostly like that, despite all our character differences. Not all of us liked each other, but we knew the importance of sticking together. After all, we were humans.

In other times, we would talk a lot. We would share common stories from our lives. For example, Hans liked to talk about his childhood, his adventures with friends, how they liked to go out and pretend they were hunting Titans and saving humanity. I guess nothing drastically changed for him when he joined the Survey Corps. Joshua liked to talk about cakes, sweets, and other stuff he cooked or baked while working in his father’s bakery. His family runs a very good business with food, considering they usually sell it to nobility. He ended up in military because his older brother kicked him out of business, and out of house, fearing he would surpass him, even if he was a second son with weaker right to inheritance. He was that good. Well, it was a stupid story, but unfortunately true, so poor Joshua ended up making pies and bread for us instead. He didn't complain much, though, he always puts that stupid little grin, like everything in his life is perfectly fine.

Girls liked to talk about celebrations (my cadets always wanted to celebrate something) and especially about boys (and I sooo wanted to maintain the military’s seriousness within the unit, God knows I've tried more than once. But, when you are a Corporal who also happens to be a woman, you get dragged to their level and they completely defeat you). They just couldn't resist it. Emotions get a better of us all sometimes.

Anastasia and Hilda mainly gossiped about who liked who when they were younger, or who was dating who during the recon days. Hannah had a boyfriend who was a farmer or something, he failed the tests for military so he went back to work with his parents. Griselda was involved with Albert, to our surprise. They hid it a lot better than Christiana and Hans. Well, Christiana mostly liked to talk about her family in the wall Sina, we didn’t get much about their love life. Her family owned a large house with beautiful garden (and needed one too since she had five sisters and a brother. She signed in to protect them). She is that kind of girl, always putting her family before everything else.

Well, the family is the most important to those who have it. I couldn't share much when we talked about that topic, but I liked to listen. Stories like that generally warmed my heart, especially those about caring mothers. I've had a million questions about my own, but barely got a single answer. I don’t remember much about her, I was only two or three years old when she abandoned me in the Underground District. If I try really, really hard, I can recall how she looked like… but her face mostly faded out from my memories.

I do remember her long, raven hair, though. It was so beautiful and so soft to touch. I remember her in fragments – like, her back, when she turned away from me, and hand, once strongly attached to mine, but just as easily separated when she pushed me away. She just… left me in the darkness. Those were hard times back then, no less hard than they are now, but… she just couldn't take care of me. Probably wasn't able to do so. Or, I just tell myself that when I try to justify her in my mind.

I had to accept the fact that I am an orphan, once and forever. To reject any hope I will meet my real family again some day. It’s not like I cling to that hope anymore, I've chosen to be a soldier, so it doesn’t really matter... but I still wondered. Couldn't help it. Who was she? Who was my father? Did they love each other, or I was just a misfortune product of an affair, or forbidden love? How would she look like now, if she was still alive? Do I look like her? Did she love me at all, and if she did, then why did she abandon me? So many questions, and no answers to satisfy my curiosity… or my need to belong somewhere. It took me years to actually feel like part of something.

All I truly had, was a name. And not even a girl’s name, by the way. My mother terribly wanted a son, but got a girl instead. So, she chose 'Ezra' anyway, naming me as she would name her desired boy. Maybe after my father, or my grandfather. Who knows. Maybe she chose it because it meant ‘help’, and she desperately needed some.

(I was bullied a lot because of my name when I was a kid, it seemed strange and wrong to the other children. I was a girl, so why on Earth would I be Ezra? Why not Ella or Elena? I couldn't truly answer that either).

If I had a last name, I couldn't remember it. I had no cousins, or no one of them ever bothered to search for me. Levi found me in the Underground District, wandering, on verge of death… and only Heaven knows why he chose to help me, considering that he didn't particularly like shitty brats like me. He frowned at my first name, thought I was kidding, or that I was a really feminine boy, or that I got confused. When I grew up, I wanted that surname which I lacked. Everybody had them, so I wanted one to. Levi thought it was stupid, but I wanted to be defined. So, since Levi often called me ‘Schwarz’ (meaning, 'black') because of my hair and my grimy behavior (I was quite depressed when I was a child), he kinda decided it for me. And I actually liked the sound of it.  

Therefore… I didn't have much to tell when we talked about family. I couldn't really share with my squad that Levi-heichou took me under his wing and that we were surprisingly close. Much closer than we should have been, anyway. They would freak out or something. I told them I was alone in this world, but that I regarded them as my family. And that wasn't even a lie.

We also had a lot of fun, when we felt like it. We eat a lot, even drink before some missions, and occasionally hired a few soldiers who played some instruments – accordion, flute, violin, or whatever they had to play for us, while we danced and made fools of ourselves. I think that Erwin would be unpleasantly surprised by my behavior and that he’d even punish me if he knew how much liberty my soldiers had under my command. I did feel guilty about that sometimes, but we worked fine that way too.

I wondered how the rest of my squad spent (or is still spending) this long night. I bet some of them even searched for me, waiting me to sneak out of my room and have a drink or two with them before the sunrise... even if I had already told them that I was tired and that tonight was different. (Hell, yes, tonight was different indeed. If they only knew how. I myself was surprised by this turn of events).

I was lying on bed, half wrapped into sheets, and half wrapped around Levi. I was exhausted, but that was a welcoming fatigue, for a change. My muscles were quite relaxed now, contrary to tension which I felt after the long journey. His body was pressed to mine, so we were sharing the warmth. My cheek was pressed to his chest, and I’ve listened to his heartbeat. It was so peaceful, so steady... yet strong. The definition of tranquility. I wished I had at least half of that certitude he possessed.  

I was the safest woman in this world while being in those arms. I wasn't joking when I told him I could protect myself… I did. But only beside him I felt completely protected and free. Next to him, I could be almost careless. I touched his chest, slightly tracing the muscles of his torso. It was slowly rising up, than lowering down, as he breathed rhythmically.

I couldn't really sleep, so I took a short nap before my loud thoughts flew into my mind, again, and woke me up suddenly. It was few hours after midnight, and I was still awake, watching the ceiling. Everybody is supposedly sleeping.

So, what the Hell am I going to do now?

His hand slid through my hair, gently, slowly. I wasn't entirely surprised, but wasn't expecting it in that moment either. I rose my head a little, to check up on him.

“Levi?” I whispered, in case that was just a reflex and he was sleeping unlike me.

“Awake,” he answered. I've met his eyes in that darkness, and they were completely opened. I didn't wake him up, fortunately. He spoke again: “You can’t sleep either, huh?”

“Not really,” I admitted. He lifted his head, to put his other arm under it, supporting its weight. Than, he traced my face with his index finger.

“Too bad,” he said, “I take it as a personal failure.”

I laughed to his words. It had nothing to do with his love skills, but with my brain. It was over-working. And now was the worst possible time for that.

“Don’t take all the blame just yet. I am over-analyzing things, that’s all.” I kinda climbed him to give him a peck on the cheek. I was so happy he was there with me. I appreciated all the moments we could spend together, especially if they were our last.

“Care to share?” he asked, switching his position to lay on his hip, facing me. He supported his head with his palm, and looked at me. I was hesitant.

“You won’t like it,” I warned him. He sighed, like he was already expecting it.

“So be it. Shoot.”

I didn't know how to begin.

“Well… I am not sure the plan we heard tonight is our best solution, you know… and I am not sure Erwin even took everything into consideration.”

He glared at me.

“We've been through this. Still insisting those prisoners could help?”

“I think there are too many enemies for us to stand a chance with Jaeger alone. We could have used the Armored and Colossal Titan. We've been on first hearing before the trial, they seemed like they still hold on to their humanity and can feel remorse. They offered to help, if you recall. They were brain-washed and manipulated. I believe they were even black-mailed into turning against the humanity, under the threat of losing their families. They are just children themselves. We could offer them pardon or switch the penalty if they help us against the Ape Titan.”

“You are forgetting the part where they've committed the massive slaughter. My entire squad was killed by that bitch. Erwin lost his hand due to that Armored bastard. Thousands of hundreds died when wall Maria was breached, and thousands of hundreds panicked after the supposed breach of wall Rose. Don’t you think you ask too much this time? From Erwin, and from everybody else?”

“I am trying to think about the greater good. They've killed many, but could save a lot more. They are sinners, but could be redeemed, and maybe this is their last chance. I don’t know. They said they had information about the Ape Titan, and I believe Erwin and Pixis should have taken it.”

“So, you think we aren't good enough to defeat Titans ourselves, brat? You defy the very idea of the Scouting Legion.”

“We will be outnumbered. I just think that this was too bold from Erwin's side, he was not profound as he has usually been while forming his plans.”

“So, you believe this one's flawed,” Levi pointed out.

“I… I just think something’s missing,” I wanted to explain, yet I couldn't find the right words.

“Tch… you think too much. Always have. Just let it be.” Levi seemed oddly uninterested. Well, he blindly followed Erwin. I will do so too, but I can’t help but wonder.

“I would let it be… but I just… have this feeling… that there’s more to it. Something’s off.” It bothered me too much. I mean, strategically, it was the best solution. But, it didn't seem like our motive was strong enough. How could we fight an intelligent Titan who explores our territory, can even speak the language of human, understand us well and still devour us? We needed to play this better. Smarter. Or I expected more from Erwin, I guess. This seemed like a bold move. And he is risking the entire Scouting Legion, few soldiers give or take. It’s also unusual for him. It’s like going into a suicide mission. Maybe he went nuts after losing that arm after all.

“You are very perceptive, Ezra. Sometimes, you are too smart for your own good.” Levi sounded so calm, it bothered me even more. Then, I've realized.

“You know something,” I was shocked. I should have figured this out earlier… my God, I am so stupid. If anyone has a back - up plan, it’s Erwin. And if he suggests something, you can bet your whole dinner on the presumption there’s more to it - and you will always win. ALSO, Levi would be the first to know. His new squad too… well, probably. On the other hand, Hanji, Moblit and their squad would be involved for sure.

“You took this way too calmly, and… Erwin seemed so…”

“Lay down, woman. Just let it be,” he said.

“This is not a real plan, is it?” I was too excited to speak. “Erwin is doing something else, isn’t he? That scheming motherfucker. He’s a genius!”

“Ezra, I’ve told you to lay down. Don’t make me repeat myself.”

“But you know something! Just tell me already!”

“Tch. I guess that Erwin would have told you, if he found you… but, since you are with me tonight, I will be the one to do the honor. However, you, and I mean it, you MUSTN'T tell anyone from your squad. It’s confidential, and not to be shared with anyone who is not remotely close to Erwin or to the Special Operations's Unit.” Well, this is intriguing!

“Cross my heart and hope to die,” I laughed, excited to hear.

“You hopefully won’t. Well, the thing is… you are right. That plan is not the real thing. We've formed the real plan before calling the whole Scouting Legion to gather tonight. The exposed one was just a cover for another, which could easily backfire at us if shared with people who aren't supposed to know. But, since I trust you, I can give you a hint. You figure the rest by yourself.”

I nodded. Levi was a bit hesitant, but continued to talk.

“Titans all generated from humans. We believe that Ape Titan had something to do with it. Maybe he was the first human who was a subject of an experiment which went terribly wrong. We also concluded that he controls other Titans. Recent discover made us wonder if he can even turn random people into titans by his own will. There must be some kind of drug, or substance which needs to be consumed by a random civilian to became a Titan. This is all still unconfirmed, but Hanji is pretty sure. However, that’s not the thing which currently bothers us the most. The prisoners revealed one important thing during the hearing, pre-trial. They've said they weren't the only ones involved with that beast.” He paused. He waited for me to react.

“Well, we assumed that already, but… wait. No. Wait… you don’t really think…”

Levi nodded. The realization made me shudder. I had to keep myself calm, but I was on the verge of panic. It can’t be. If that's true, that means…

“The shifters are among us. Tonight,” I whispered, unable to immediately process that idea.